


Saudade

by Michael_McGruder



Series: The Dead Letter Series [1]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen, Series X Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 17:07:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3257696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Michael_McGruder/pseuds/Michael_McGruder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An unposted letter found amongst the personal effects of Mr. Dennis Brown.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saudade

Arnold,

I thought a long time about writing this letter. It might be longer still before I send it, but getting it down is the first step.

Your mother and I had a complicated, and truthfully improper relationship. It was complicated for me, I don't know if anything was very complicated for Margaret. Things either went the way she liked or she didn't bother with them. I liked her decisiveness, but I realize now it was a trap that I was all too willing to fall into.

You were conceived next to the tomato garden in the greenhouse. There wasn't much ceremony in it, I'm afraid, and I was mighty ashamed later. I wasn't inclined to carry on with our liaisons, but Margaret was going to inform Mr. Rimmer about the affair if I didn't. It wasn't very long before I realized Arthur knew anyway, and Margaret delighted in rubbing it in his face.

I think Margaret kept me on to goad Arthur, and Arthur never fired me because he didn't want to give her the satisfaction of letting it get to him. I felt mighty used, but I needed the job.

When you were born, I knew you were my son. It killed me every day not being able to acknowledge that. I often thought about quitting, feeling pretty torn up by the whole situation, but I thought any chance to be around you was precious and fleeting, and I wasn't going to waste a second of it.

Seeing the way you were treated, just because you were my son, broke my heart. I regret everyday that I couldn't have been your father.

I thought about getting into contact with you when you were older, but you had your own life, climbing that ziggurat, and I was just the gardener. A stranger, really, who would have only complicated your life. I'm sorry about that, Arnold. I'm sorry about everything.

 

_An amendment added at a later date:_

 

I've just heard the news about the loss of all hands on Red Dwarf. My boy is gone.

I'd never been able to make up for those missing years, for letting you be tormented and not taking you away some place safe. I guess you can sleep safely now.

I'll never hear you call me "dad." You'll never know you were my son. You'll never know how deeply you were loved.

Goodbye Arnold.


End file.
